It's Off

It actually feels like someone close to me died today. I totally understand why NYC was cancelled, but I just wish it had been done sooner. Like right after the hurricane, when I had mentally prepared myself for the news after the disaster.

I just cancelled the hotel. And cancelled my train tickets. Fortunately I was able to get my money back. But I won't get this opportunity back. All of those months of training. The almost 800 miles I put in. 

When I started training, the marathon was so far away. It didn't mean anything. Over the last four months the marathon has become almost like a child in my head. I was always thinking about it. Waiting for the day that I would meet it. Not knowing what to expect, but expecting something great. Waiting. Anticipating. Looking-forward to it each day that I woke up, every day I left school, and every night when I went to bed. Seriously. I could not wait.

Never before had I put so much passion and effort into my training. I was on. I was ready. Now it goes away.

I felt let down with Boston after the heat. I trained hard over the winter but couldn't race fast in fear of heat stroke.

So I trained even harder this summer. Determined to show the marathon what I had. 

And it slipped away, once again.

Obviously I am a little upset. I've cried a few times. Especially after my co-worker broke the news and I said it aloud to another co-worker. I kept thinking that ABC News got their facts wrong and was hoping it was a mistake. NOPE! 

Yes, even after my sadness and this talk, I knoooww and totally support the effort going toward NYC cleanup. It must happen. Yet, when I find out that other sporting events are taking place, the high school cross country runner in me gets jealous and angry again, at the "bigger" sports and their priority. I'll wake up tomorrow feeling better. Right now I am still processing. 

And I apologize for being a poop. I feel selfish for this post, but these are the thoughts going through my head. I've documented the trip up to this point and this comes along with it. 

You know what though? People are sending me kind words on Facebook and folks from work are emailing or chatting, and they really are making me feel better. 

I'll be on the search for some local races. I've "saved" my body for the last few months, not wanting to mess up training. But now I need to let it go. Tear up the road. See what I've got.